After writing my last installment of The Quarter Life I got a comment from my friend Lexie asking me to answer some questions she had about that post. Here are a few of my thoughts. Anything for a friend, Lex.
Very conservative philosophy Aaron!! This reminds me of a guy i dated in high school who broke up with me by saying "I can live without you." it made me so mad. Anyhoo, what do you think of dating just to learn more about yourself/others? Like the Townsend/McCloud philosophy? Or the idea of focusing on dating itself/trying to date a lot as a particular season, much like seasons of intentionally not dating?
I think that experience, the experience of ourselves in a relationship, and the experience of an intimate encounter with another person, is probably the strongest argument out there for why dating is a fantastic idea. I have learned a great deal about myself from dating. I have also learned a tremendous amount about women/men/God/life/love/etc. from dating, much more than I could ever possibly relate to you here. And learning for learning's sake, as any liberal arts grad will tell you, is a very good thing. Unfortunately, most of what I learned from some of those relationships was learned the hard way. And just because I learned something does not mean that those relationships were a good idea to begin with, or functional by any stretch of the imagination. Calling some of them relationships, in all honesty, might be too kind. Was some of that hardship and hurt necessary? Possibly. Immaturity, "life issues," ideas about what dating should be, etc., all played their part in making some of my past relationships memorable for all the wrong reasons. But poor choices about when and who I should date did not make things any better.
So "learning about yourself" is great, but it can be a messy and dangerous affair. Even more so if that is your primary, or only purpose, in dating that specific person. Going into a relationship (or even a date) thinking "I like them-ish," while not a sure recipe for disaster, does raise some ethical questions. Starting to date someone without a clear sense of why you are doing it or what you want out of it opens yourself up to a host of complications, but it also leaves you very much in danger of hurting the other person. Do they share your vision of dating? If not, your "learning about yourself" could be their "getting rejected by someone I really, really liked." Like I said in my last post, I don't believe that we date because we desire it, but because we must. Ideally the two coincide.
Dating in the right context is clearly very good. To put this in a somewhat (ok, very) crude manner, marriage is not a product that we should buy without shopping around a little bit first. So in that sense, I'm all for dating. I'm just not all for dating every person (or even most people) that come your way. In high school there were a few girls that I should have asked out on a date but didn't because I was afraid of rejection. Clearly that was not a healthy way to date (or, more specifically, not to date). I also dated a girl in high school that I barely knew because she came on to me very strongly (i.e. I knew that rejection wasn't likely) and that turned out, not surprisingly, very poorly. In the first example I needed more initiative, in the second, more wisdom and self-control.
I personally don't believe that a "season of dating" is a very good idea for many reasons, but for a few especially compelling ones in particular. Relationships, ideally, are special. We value our family (in many cases) more highly than our friends, and our friends more highly than our acquaintances. This formula (there's that word again) becomes more complicated when we insert Christ into our lives, but I won't go into that here. The point is that most people feel that different types of relationships are, well, different, and that some of them are more special than others. Dating should be a special act reserved for people we really care about.
The most serious problem with a season of dating, in my opinion, is the potential for that season to turn into a long-term (or even lifetime) commitment. How many people do you know who started seeing someone casually ("just to see"/hooking up at parties/season of dating/we're just friends) and just never stopped? This scenario doesn't always end badly, I can think of many happy couples who started off this way. But is it something to which we should aspire? What other major life choices do we take "just try it out" or "we'll see what happens" attitudes with? Is that how you chose a college? Plan to buy a house? This might make me conservative, but I think that dating is something to be respected and, in some sense, feared. In my experience it is much easier to never date someone at all than to stop dating them once the process has been started. And once you start dating, going back to being friends is always a difficult process. In many cases it simply doesn't work. Since most people that you will ever meet are going to be friends instead of dates, why not preserve those friendships rather than explore dating just because it's fun?
I also think that a "season of dating" sort of misses the point of a "season of not dating." At various times I have resisted the urge to enter into potentially great dating situations because of time constraints/outside pressures/personal issues/need to grow with God/whatever. But that should be the exception, not the rule. The default for any single Christian should be "available for dating," unless there is other work in your life that needs to be done. For many of us, there is. So a season of not dating is a way to recognize a unique situation and make an intentional choice about it. A season of dating, to me, seems like a license to do things that you wouldn't do otherwise. "I don't really like him that much, but I'm trying to date a lot right now." See my point? What prompts a season of dating? Why doesn't that prompt being open to dating in general, as long as the person is right?
When I think back on just my time here in Agua Prieta, let alone college, there are a number of women that I probably could have started dating at one time or another. I do not believe that any of those relationships would have been a very good choice. So my dating here has been more than conservative, it has been non-existent. But I believe it has also been the most healthy and faithful choice that I could have made. I haven't done it perfectly, but it could have been a lot worse.
I have some more thoughts that I could but I think I'll leave it at that. I'd love to hear what you (or any of you) have to say about this.
3 comments:
Surely, a non-liberal arts grad can value learning too.
Wow, I really admire your mature view on all this. You certainly display wisdom beyond your years. I have absolutely nothing insightful to say about the topic...plus I'm pretty sure my supporters wouldn't appreciate me talking about dating on my blog:)
RE: Dating to date—
1) It is totally possible to have a clear sense of why you are doing it AND be upfront about your goals with the other person, and check in throughout the dating experience just like you would do otherwise. I think the main difference is that the bar is lower, not so much in terms of what you’re looking for in a significant other, BUT in how well you have to know them at the beginning. If you know something about them that is a deal-breaker for you then of course, you're setting yourself/your date up for heartache.
2) The potential of long-term commitment as a result of casual dating is part of the reason TO date casually! For example, say you know someone cute who volunteers with an organization you admire. So you go out for coffee. During the coffee date, you realize that this cute person makes a lot of midget jokes so you think, “No, not for me.” And you have learned something:: you really value a shared, or at least not cringe-inducing, sense of humor. Sliding Doors scenario B: during the coffee date, you realize that this person loves all the same music as you do and also wants to see Waitress. So next week at the movie theater, you talk again and realize they also love The Office and health care reform rallies!! OMG. Plus, you discover that even though you do not share a love of calculus, you are charmed by hearing them talk about math. You’re having a great time so you keep dating and one day you get married. Great! Never would have happened unless you were open to keeping it chill on the first date. I think casual dating is kind of like going on college visits. You’re checking things out, looking for the right fit, and along the way realizing more about what you want and hopefully enjoying the experience! With possibly a few stressful and traumatizing moments. If wait to choose a college until you have a deep and meaningful relationship with the university that has crossed your path time and time again then you may still get a degree but you will have missed out on having fun and mutally blessing (hopefully) experiences with all other colleges who didn’t turn out to be “the one”!
3) Let’s talk about what damages friendships. DATING does not damage friendships. What does is dishonesty. If you are interested in someone and you hold back and fake platonic interest while secretly checking them out, getting to know them, spending all this time (uh… basically dating without them knowing it)—that can severely damage not only a friendship, but both people involved. Dating gets things out in the open. If the friendship ends (which most do after dating, I’ll give you that), then ok. Most friendships do. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re on bad terms or you’ve ruined anything. It means you’ve been honest & taken a risk, and taken your heart seriously.
4) You might be right about a season of dating. I don’t know since I’ve never really done it. I was going to last summer but I think the things motivating me were way off, and my plans to move to Asia moved a lot faster than I was expecting. But basically my plan was this: draw up a list of minimal criteria, write down all the men I know/ know of who fit that, and then ask all of them out (or ask my friends to set me up with them if I didn’t really know them). I made the list, but then I went to Thailand and I threw it away when I got back. You’re right, dating makes you very vulnerable and can do a lot to your heart, so whatever way you choose, I think you’re right that what’s most important is that you’re handling things with faith and with maturity/health. Keep on keepin’ on, man.
Love, Lexie
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